My Thoughts

On the last day of school, I sat in my friend’s car on the brink of tears. I had been friends with this person ever since freshman year, but we drifted apart over the years. As I sat in this person’s car, we shared our first goodbye and as soon as I left this person’s car, I thought to myself, “wow, I’m really going to miss this person”. As the summer progressed, I didn’t see this person as much as I would’ve liked to and I didn’t take it personally, but I just accepted the fact that this person wasn’t going to be that big a part of my life anymore. The night before I left for college, I had a little bit of a party at my house and I decided to invite this person. This person was the only one to show up with a care package, filled with what happened to be all of my favorite candies. This person was also one of the last people to leave my house that night and as we shared our last hug of the summer, all our memories together just rushed into my head and I thought again, “wow I’m really going to miss this person”. As the semester went on, we didn’t talk. I never saw this person whenever I went home even though I contacted this person multiple times, but again I didn’t take it personally. I had come to accept that this person wasn’t going to that important in my life anymore. Sure we would hang out occasionally, but nothing more. This past weekend, I went home to spend some time with friends and visit my grandparents. I was actually really surprised when I saw this person and just spending the past couple of days with this person made me realize how  awesome this person is. I realized how much I miss this person and how I can enjoy myself whenever I’m around this person. As we ate, we reminisced, and all of those old feelings came back. Writing this post made me realize that I should make more of an effort to try and maintain relationships. I hugged this person goodbye again tonight, and as soon as I let go, I thought again, “wow I’m really going to miss this person”. I didn’t come back expecting anything like this, but I like being pleasantly surprised.

Relationships are so weird. At one point, you feel like you’re on top of the world and you’ve found that one person who makes you feel awesome and you don’t have a care in the world and the next, you feel so alone and you feel like nothing can go your way. About a month ago, I got out of my first relationship which lasted for about two years. For the first three weeks I was a mess. I was depressed, I felt empty, like a piece of me was missing and worst of all, I felt like I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it or that there was no one who would listen or I didn’t have people to talk to; it was just that I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t talk to some of my closest friends or my sister and that’s what probably bothered me most. There was nothing that anyone could say or do that would make me feel better. I wasn’t bitter about the breakup and I don’t resent my ex-girlfriend in any way, but I still felt miserable. I’ve gotten a lot better since then and I think I’m okay. Coming home this past weekend, and seeing all my friends who are in relationships made me miss being in one. I miss having that one person who will be there for you no matter what, that one person you could just lay down and cuddle with, that one person who you can completely let your guard down around, who won’t judge you and will unconditionally love you for who you are in your entirety, with all your faults. But the thing is, I’m also thinking about how much work goes into a relationship and I can’t tell if it’s worth it. One of my friends and I came to the conclusion that in a relationship, it all boils down to whether or not you or your partner can put up with each other’s bullshit. This reminds me of a quote from The Girl Next Door:

“Moral fiber. So, what is moral fiber? It’s funny, I used to think it was always telling the truth, doing good deeds, basically being a fucking boy scout. But lately I’ve been seeing it differently. Now I think moral fiber’s about finding that one thing you really care about. That one special thing that means more to you than anything else in the world. And when you find her, you fight for her. You risk it all, you put her in front of everything, your life, all of it. And maybe the stuff you do to help her isn’t so clean. You know what? It doesn’t matter. Because in your heart you know, that the juice is worth the squeeze. That’s what moral fiber’s all about. ”

Currently Stuck in my Head: Dig- Incubus
     Never Let You Go- Third Eye Blind 

oldies but goodies

PS: I MIGHT MOVE TO TORONTO… WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? 

i was trying to find my old psychology notes on gender and sexuality to help a friend study for his quiz and i came across something interesting. at the end of the year, my old psych teacher makes you write a letter to yourself and you don’t get it till after you graduate college. i decided to cheat a little and i read it. it’s weird, because some of the things i wrote, some of the predictions i made were spot on even in my freshman year. there were also some things i can’t believe i wrote. i was surprised at the names i saw written on the paper; partially because i don’t really talk to them anymore. there were also some names that i left off, which i can’t believe i left off. i guess spending time away from them made me realize how much i miss them, and how important they are to me. i guess that’s why there’s the cliche: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. 

i kind of miss high school. don’t get me wrong. i’m really enjoying myself in college and i’m not that guy who peaked in high school and who thinks his best years are behind him. i guess i just miss the people. the way things used to be, the closeness i had with certain people. oh well, there’s nothing you can do. just move on and look to the future.